Ness and Lucas' Guide to Love!
by PSI-Triforce
Summary: When Ness and Lucas stumble across strange Fanfictions about themselves, they wonder if the stories about them are right, and decide to give a relationship between them a try, attempting the stages of love, and failing completely. Complete Crackfic.


I should state now, I have absolutely nothing against people who make Ness/Lucas fanfictions, I just think it's… a bit weird. Especially the M rated ones, because that rating means that if the story really happened, Ness and Lucas would be too young to read it. Samus/Peach lemon, I'm in! Two boys who are about 12 years old lemon… makes me feel dirty. And not in the good way.

So, without further stalling to reduce hate mail and bad reviews, I present to you the Ness and Lucas guide to love!

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One peaceful day, within the walls of wherever the Smash Bros lived, Ness was passing the time between battles by going on his laptop and surfing the web. Out of boredom, he decided to Google 'Smash Bros', and see what came up. As he scrolled through the list, he read some of the stranger options out loud.

"2 Smash Bros, 1 cup… Numa Numa Smash Bros… Potter Puppet Smash Bros…Charlie the Smash Bros… Diet Coke and Smash Bros…"

Eventually, after scrolling through a few pages, he spotted something that intrigued him.

"Super Smash Bros Fanfiction? What's that?" he said aloud, making him sound insane to any passers-by.

Clicking on the link, Ness gasped as he was welcomed to the world of fanfiction. As he started to click through several stories, he was amazed that people were writing so much about him and his friends.

"Wow," he murmured as he quickly looked through another well-written fanfiction detailing the hilarious adventures of him and the other Smash Bros in the definitive online collection.

"These people must have no lives at all! Especially this guy named PSI-Triforce!" laughed Ness as he realised with a chuckle how much happier it made him feel that he didn't write that sort of crap. However, the privacy of the room was invaded by Ness' quiet blond best friend, Lucas, who sidled up to him and asked,

"What'cha doing?"

"Nothing much" replied Ness, scrolling through page after page of crap. "Just reading some fanfiction that people have written about us."

"Wow," said Lucas, beginning to read too, "These people have way too much spare time. Especially this guy named PSI-Tri-"

"Already said that bit," muttered Ness under his breath, before he had a sneaky idea.

"Hey, we're Smash Bros, do you think anyone's written a story about us?"

"That would be awesome! The adventures of Ness and Lucas, two children with PSI-powers, saving the world! Type it in!"

Ness frantically selected the two main characters as 'Ness' and 'Lucas', and sat back as his laptop worked, only for his eyes to widen comically as he looked through the results.

"13 results found under all ratings…"

"14 if you count THIS fanfiction."

In the distance, Ness and Lucas could hear a wall collapsing as Master Hand screamed, "That's the third 'fourth wall' you've broken this week! If you keep doing this I'm going to stop replacing them!"

However, Ness and Lucas were too intrigued with the results of their search to hear him.

"Ness/Lucas? Yaoi? Lemon? What does that mean?"

"I don't know, let's check it out."

5 minutes later, Ness and Lucas are speechless, after reading about the sweaty exploits of themselves.

"That… was… weird."

"I'd never use my yoyo in THAT sort of way!"

"I can't believe the way they made the term 'rope-snake edge-grab' sound bad… this is so disturbing!"

"Don't they know that I like Paula?"

"And I like Princess Kumatora! This is wrong on so many levels!"

"Tell me about it…"

"Ok. It was a story about us where you asked me if I could throw a doughnut over your-"

"I didn't mean literally!"

Ness and Lucas stayed in an awkward silence for a few more minutes until Lucas couldn't stand the silence and asked Ness an even more awkward question.

"Do you think these people are right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we've never thought about a relationship, but there's so many fanfiction writers who think it could work. Should we give it a shot?"

"Well… I guess it couldn't hurt. Sure, let's give it a go!"

And so, Ness and Lucas decided to follow the rules of the fanfiction authors they saw and tried to follow the steps to see if they were a successful couple.

_Step 1: First Date._

Ness and Lucas sat in suits around a table at a fancy restaurant. They were both fidgeting awkwardly, afraid of what to say, until Lucas sparked up conversation between him and his 'date'.

"So, how's this supposed to go again?"

Ness sighed and explained, "We're going on our first date, it's going to go terribly, and everything will look bleak, until one of us has a revelation that it went well because we were with each other, and no matter how things go, when we're with each other, they're always good. That's how these things are supposed to work out."

Lucas nodded, "Alright then, let's make this date go badly!"

When the waiter returned, Ness shouted abuse at him and rudely ordered the steak as loudly as possible, while Lucas started kicking the table and screaming, disrupting everyone else's meal. When the waiter left, Ness and Lucas went back to normal.

"Nice job on the screaming, this date's bound to end terribly!"

"I had a tough act to follow up cause of your cheek to the waiter!"

Ness and Lucas laughed to themselves until the waiter returned, setting Ness' plate down in front of him. However, he had barely put it down before Ness was standing on the table screaming at him.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I ORDERED BEEF STEAK AND YOU GIVE ME LAMB? PAH! IMBECILE!"

Ness picked up the plate and threw it against the waiter's head violently, before kicking him in the crotch a few times before the waiter managed to stagger off.

"Good job," congratulated Lucas, patting Ness on the back, until the manager of the restaurant came along.

"I understand that you received the wrong meal, young sir?"

Ness nodded, then remembered that he was trying to be rude and began yelling, "IF THAT'S WHAT I CAN EXPECT FROM THIS CRAPPY-"

"Please sir, there's no need to shout," interrupted the manager, "I apologise for this incident, and rest assured the correct meal will be served, free of charge, as the rest of your stay here will be. We'll even upgrade your table for free!"

Ness found himself speechless again, so the manager took the time to quickly escort him and Lucas to a better table, before leaving several free bottles of champagne on the table and leaving before Ness and Lucas had the chance to get even the slightest bit rowdy.

"Well this sucks! We can't even have a bad date in peace!" began Ness, but he stopped when he saw that Lucas was already downing bottle after bottle of champagne.

Half an hour later, Ness and Lucas had eaten a feast, while Lucas had already drunk every bottle of champagne, wine, beer, lager, vodka, gin, tequila, cider, and other alcoholic drink in the entire restaurant, and was now trying to pick a fight with other customers.

"What are you looking at *hic*, never seen a 12 year old boy pissed before? Huh? HUH?"

The other customers were leaving quickly, and Ness decided it was best to escort Lucas home, but not before Lucas had a chance to vomit and urinate all over the restaurant and try to set it on fire. Step 1 had failed.

_Step 2: In the bedroom_

The next day, when Lucas had sobered up, he and Ness had decided to try stage 2 of their relationship plan; the bedroom. Leaving the door to their room slightly open so that there was 'the exciting chance of being caught' that they had heard so much about, Lucas' whimper emerged from one corner of the room.

"Ness, are you sure I need to wear this? I feel so embarrassed!"

"Relax, this is what it said in the fanfiction!"

Nervously, Lucas stepped out in just his underwear. Feeling ashamed, he tried to remember the lines that he and Ness had scripted together.

"Oh no, I have had a terrible day with the Smash Bros and I feel unloved. If only there was one Smasher I knew who truly loved me. Oh, if he is out there somewhere, will someone give me a sign that my knight in shining armour could appear?"

Ness sighed as that was his cue to walk out next to Lucas. However, as he approached, also in his underwear, Lucas let out a gasp and pointed to Ness' crotch.

"What the hell is that?"

"Oh," replied Ness, "The fanfiction said that I should have a 'significant bulge' in my pants, and I didn't know what that meant, so I stuffed loads of chicken wings down there."

As Ness finished, he reached downwards and pulled a leg of chicken out of his underwear, chewing it noisily. Neither of them realised that Zelda was walking past the door, and as she stopped curiously to listen and peek in, she would see something she might regret. The first thing she saw was Lucas, bent over looking directly at Ness' nether regions exclaiming, "Wow, that is a significant bulge!"

"Thanks," replied Ness, "Do you want a taste?"

"Sure, do you mind if I help myself?"

"Of course not, what's mine is your's!"

Zelda's eyes went wide as she observed Lucas shoving his hand down Ness' pants and feeling around, but worse was yet to come.

"I can't get a grip, it's slippery!"

"Use both hands!"

Zelda felt concerned as Lucas pushed his other arm down Ness' pants, feeling around more until he gave up and peeked down Ness' underwear to get a better look at the chicken.

"Man, that's some big meat! Are you sure it will all fit in my mouth?"

Zelda fainted.

Meanwhile, Ness and Lucas were both scoffing chicken, and decided that they were both too full to have hot, steamy sex. Therefore, they begrudgingly accepted that they had failed step 2.

_The final step: The first kiss_

"Alright," muttered Ness, "This is the last chance we have for our relationship to work, so let's try as hard as we can this time!"

"Alright, I've got everything set up for our dramatic first kiss. I've purposefully had a bad day feeling neglected by the other Smashers, although it was tough to persuade them to act that way, since they're all so nice usually. I also wrote a suicide note that you discovered just in time to save me, although when you did, I told you I didn't want to live in a world where I would never know the joy of true love. Then, you pulled me aside, looked deep into my eyes, and told me that you could prove that someone loved me. This is the perfect time to dramatically kiss me!"

"Indeed," replied Ness, "As I too spent the day planning this moment. I scheduled myself at several intervals to have awkward thoughts about you, and how we could be more than just friends, although the notion itself would be ridiculous and you'd probably never feel the same way. Then, just as I talked up the nerve to confront you with my secret, I staggered into your room and saved your life, hearing your plea for love and deciding now, that once and for all, I should prove my love for you."

With nothing left to do but kiss, Ness and Lucas stood still for a few seconds, before gradually leaning towards each other. Closing their eyes, their lips were about to meet in a kiss that would immortalise their love forever.

"Okay, stop!" shouted Ness as he pulled out a second before they would have embraced in a tongue-tangle. "I'm sorry, but I really don't like you this way! I mean… you're a good friend, but I just have no feelings for you beyond that of friendship!"

Lucas jumped back and let out a huge sigh of relief. "Phew, I mean, no offense, but I feel the same way. Maybe these fanfiction writers are just… wrong!"

"Well, yeah, but they're entitled to their opinions, so we shouldn't slag them off too much, they're just writing what they want to write, which is the point of fanfiction… maybe they should just… cut down a little, I mean, we're 12, I haven't even started going out with girls yet!"

"Me neither."

Ness and Lucas stayed in YET ANOTHER awkward silence, before Lucas muttered, "Actually, I guess that's not true…"

"What do you mean?"

Lucas opened his mouth to explain, but was interrupted as Peach walked in wearing nothing but her new lingerie and tapped Lucas on the shoulder, whispering, "Come to bed, honey."

Lucas expected Ness to be mad to find out that their try at a relationship was destined to fail, but instead, Ness muttered, "Well, since we're being honest…"

Samus walked into the room wearing an outfit that had the skin-hiding qualities of dental floss before kissing Ness' neck and whispering, "My room, now!"

"I'll be right there," he replied, slapping her on the rump as she giggled girlishly and blushed while leaving.

Ness and Lucas didn't really know what to say to each other, so Ness tried to change the subject by reminding Lucas, "I know that this was embarrassing, but imagine how many other of the Smashers have been paired together! Something tells me, Ike, Marth, Roy, Link and Pit are going to regret the day we found this site."

Patting Lucas on the shoulder, Ness left the room and shouted back 'Night' before heading to Samus' room. He heard Lucas replying, "Good night," but didn't hear the whisper at the end, "My love…" as he wiped a tear from his eye.

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Luckily, a 4 hour lovemaking session with Peach reminded Lucas why it was probably for the best that he wasn't dating Ness.

So for once, without Ness and Lucas being forced together as a couple, they lived happily ever after!

The End!


End file.
